Category Archives: One Star

Couples Retreat (DVD)

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Imagine a brand new 2010 Lamborghini Murcielago being driven down the freeway at a whopping 20 mph pace. Now imagine you are stuck riding shotgun. That is the same feeling one gets when watching Couples Retreat. On paper, the movie features one of the funniest ensembles of actors around. Vince Vaughn, Jason Bateman, Jon Favreau, Kristin Davis, and Faison Love all fill out major roles in this film. The film itself is a bit of a dud, with some potentially funny situations that never really turn out to be very funny at all.

The premise follows four couples as they take a vacation together on a tropical island paradise. Little do they know that they have signed up for a rigorous agenda filled with couple building activities designed to strengthen their relationships. The film never really gets off the ground, as all of the humor seems to be recycled from the actors’ funnier projects.

It is straining to continue writing this review as I don’t really want to go on thinking much more about this movie, I simply want to get on with my life. I just felt that I should warn people about this film so that they would not have had to suffer as I have.

The Scorpion King 2 : Rise of a Warrior (DVD)

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1218570345_scorpion_king_2And I thought The Mummy III was bad. The Scorpion King 2 : Rise of a Warrior was without a doubt the most horrible film ever released by the producers of the Mummy franchise. After such a promising start with their first SK release, it comes as a shock that they would allow a sequel under these conditions to be purchased by the public. The producers should be ashamed of themselves.

There really isn’t anything positive to say about this feature. The acting was bad, the CGI was bad, the dialogue was horrendous, and the plot was senseless. The highlight of the film was probably watching Astarte (Natalie Becker) and Layla (Karen Shenaz David) kick each others butts half naked in the Underworld. Yes, that may in fact sound shallow to you, but the film really doesn’t offer anything much deeper than that.

Then there is the former UFC Champion Randy Couture. Once on top in the world of mixed martial arts, he is now but a shadow of his former self. I’m sure one day he’ll look back and wish he would have kept his contract with former employer Dana White. Although nicknamed the “Natural” among UFC fans, acting is definitely not one of those things that come natural to him. His attempts to sound like a menacing villain was completely laughable and reminded me more of a teenager going through puberty rather than a villain ready to conquer the world. For your sake and mine Randy, I beg you to please stop making a fool of yourself.

My suggestion to you. Save yourself the torture and don’t bother with this film at all. Its right on par with some of the worst films I have ever watched.

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The Mummy : Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (Theaters)

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mummy_tomb_of_the_dragon_emperor_ver4After watching Brendan Fraser’s sub par performance in Journey to the center of the Earth, you can only imagine my apprehension when screening The Mummy:Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Although I had my doubts about this movie, being such a huge fan of the first two installments, I felt obligated to continue my journey with the O’Connell’s on another wild adventure set in the Middle Kingdom.

Without question, Tomb was the most inferior film out of the otherwise illustrious franchise. The film wasn’t a total loss, (decent CGI, a few corny jokes, and of course Jet Li) but I felt that many of the elements that made the first two films such huge successes were absent in the third. Its biggest problem? Its horrible cast selection.

Lets begin with Alex O’Connell. What the heck were they thinking? Not only did the guy look totally out of character (he looked 25 while his parents looked 30), his performance was just outright pitiful. It was colorless and hardly felt anywhere close to the performance that Freddie Boath brought to the table in the Mummy Returns.

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