Category Archives: Absolutely Horrible

Journey to the Center of the Earth (DVD)

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Here we have yet another film adaptation of the popular sci-fi novel by Jules Verne entitled Journey to the Center of the Earth. This release, being the fifth remake since the original in 1959 starring Pat Boone, had to be the worst adaptation thus far. I honestly couldn’t fathom how this film was allowed to be released to the public.

Being a fan of the original story after reading it in high school for a school project, gave me reason enough reason to rent this film. Unfortunately for me, I was properly introduced to one of most horrid films ever to be released on television.

Just sitting through half of the film was a chore and I actually nodded off and fell asleep. When I had awoken, Johnathan Brock (Rick Schroder) and Company were still on a Journey to the bottom of my ratings. The dialogue was terrible and there wasn’t a single pick me up moment as I can remember. It was just so slow and uninteresting, it lacked any hint of excitement, and felt more like a documentary on cave exploration than a “sci-fi” film. Alas, I couldn’t bear to watch any longer. By the one hour mark, my DVD player was shut down, and for the first time in many moons I had left a film unfinished without any resolution to finish at a later date.

My best advice to you is to stay away from this film at all costs. Cutting your toe nails or doing your homework is far more fascinating than this film.

Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li (Theaters)

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street_fighter_the_legend_of_chun_li_ver3Let’s be honest, when we all heard a Street Fighter movie was being made back in the 90′s, gamers everywhere, myself included, rejoiced at the thought of Ryu and Ken shooting fireballs from their hands.   Or even M. Bison dishing out some psycho power.  Instead, we got the Muscles from Brussels as the American Guile,  a short Sagat played by an actor known for his Native American roots, a not-so-pretty Vega and Damian Chapa as Ken Masters?!  

The horrible dialogue and terrible fight sequences didn’t help the poor casting choice as it set the tone for future game-to-film flops.  You would think director Andrzej Bartkowiak at least saw the first film and did everything in his power to do the opposite.  That’s exactly what he did.  What did we get?  An even worse Street Fighter.  While the first film relied heavily on cramming in as much SF characters as possible, Bartkowiak took the discreet route by having only six characters in his film: Chun Li (Kristin Kreuk), M. Bison (Neil McDonaugh), Balrog (Michael Clarke Duncan), Charlie Nash (Chris Klein), Vega (Taboo of Black Eye Peas) and Gen (Robin Shou). 

Where the first film failed in character development due to the high number of SF characters, so did Bartkowiak’s six with the exception of it’s title character Chun Li.  Vega gets the worst of it as he’s only onscreen for a total of ten minutes! 

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Dragon Wars (Theaters)

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dragon_warsFirst of all, I would like to apologize to the friends I dragged along with me today to watch this film. It seriously needs to be illegal to allow these types of movies to make it into theaters. They rob you of your money and more importantly your life.

Rotten Tomatoes totally fooled me with its trailers for the film and instead of purchasing tickets to Resident Evil: Extinction, I went ahead and purchased tickets to Dragon Wars. What a huge mistake.

Even during the opening credits, I knew I made the wrong choice at the box office. But with the tickets already paid for and Resident Evil starting ten minutes earlier, all I could do was slouch in my chair and pretend I wasn’t one of the idiots suckered into watching this film.

There was absolutely nothing that made Dragon Wars and interesting movie. The acting was terrible, the dialogue was elementary, the story jumped around everywhere, and the so called “Hot Chick” wasn’t even hot!

Save yourself the pain and agony and skip this movie if you value your time and money. It’s not worth the price of admission.

Synopsis:

A beautiful young woman possesses the power to transform a legendary giant serpent into an almighty dragon who can only ascend into heaven with the woman’s ultimate sacrifice. But the forces of darkness are out to claim the young woman as their own and her reincarnated lover and his aged mentor stand in their way.