Friday the 13th (Theaters)

I’m going to use my guest blogger space and do something most wouldn’t – I’m going to date myself. I’m old enough to have seen most of the original Friday the 13th films on VHS. As such, my interest in horror is encapsulated to that time period – sorry kids, I’m not down with the Saws and Hostels and other movies premised on human cruelty that layer on special effects just for the sake of being gross. I just can’t stomach it. But 80’s cheese I totally dig. Thus begins my review.

What’s essentially the eleventh installment of the limitless sequels in the classic 80’s slasher flick institution, Michael Bay’s adaptation is a retelling of the tragic tale of half-witted teens that just won’t let troubled Jason Voorhees live in peace. This movie is actually a great date or party movie; you’ll honestly laugh more than you scream – which is entirely the point of throwback films like this. And one that’s achieved brilliantly.

The movie goes vintage 80’s with a healthy dose of T&A – every female character, save two, gets topless at some point. The dialogue is excessively profane – each third word is an s- or an f-bomb. And yes, the film didn’t forget to include another constant of the old school fright flick: the token black guy who’s more cunning and “slippery like that” (his words, not mine) that his contemporaries…but he still gets his.

Humor is liberally sprinkled throughout to ease the tension of a haunting soundtrack that you’ll still hear in your head hours after you’ve left the theater. And while highly stylized, lushly depicted and given proper cinematographic treatment that really sets the eerie mood of Camp Crystal Lake, the movie stays true to its low-budget roots. There isn’t explicit gore, and while there are numerous creative instances where Jason stalks and dispatches his prey, other scenes are direct reenactments of those in the original films. So it’s not a total bite of the original movies, making for an effective mix.

Fans will recognize Return to the House on Haunted Hill bombshell Amanda Righetti as Whitney, who’s built so much street cred with the modern horror genre she’s quickly become this generation’s Linnea Quigley. Also making appearances are Travis Van Winkle, who you’ll remember as the jackass boyfriend from Transformers (ironically, his characters in both films are named Trent), along with TV’s Willa Ford.

As far as the story’s protagonist goes, Jason is actually cleverly portrayed as the hero of the movie, being just in doling out punishment to Those of the Raging Hormone for their rudeness, their stupidity, their proclivity for frequent and illicit sex, and their rampant substance abuse. Jason’s weapon of choice, although several are utilized, is a machete. But the indefatigable Mr. Voorhees doesn’t just wield any jungle-clearing blade…dude rocks a freakin’ broadsword! That thing is huge, being half his body length (and by the looks of it he’s at least 6′8″ slouching)! I guess size really does matter, and this serial killer is packing some serious bladeage.

There are a few surprises the picture throws at you, too. The storyline doesn’t conform to the “Final Girl” trope, preserving the virtuous, virginal, non-drug-taking, gender-agnostically-named female as the only character strong enough to face the ultimate evil at the end. Which makes the climactic twist all the more surprising and enjoyable.

The best thing I enjoyed about the movie was what I found to be the main shocker – the title screen appearing an astounding 25 minutes into the movie after the prologue. I was rolling! I’ve never seen that before in a major motion picture. Who really does that anymore?!?!?

In all, it’s a great time at the movies – putting pure entertainment value above visual shock, hokie gimmicks or cheap thrills. Thanks for having me!